Venom of a Scorpion Eagle

"Words have the power to both destroy and heal. When words are both true and kind, they can change our world." - The Buddha

About Me

An oblivion of thousand souls...

Monday, April 7, 2008

Why Does It Still Hurts When You Love

It feels so good to love... But it also requires a mountain of sacrifice, patience, understanding, faith, and devotion. Maybe that is the reason why when love is geniune, it feels so good. Because you have put up a lot in exchange of it.
It's more than a year now that I've been holding on to someone I haven't even met in person. Someone I never even seen on cam, just picutures. Sometimes I ask myself how I am able to cope with this and faithfully hold on. Maybe, I am convinced that this is true or perhaps I am afraid I will never ever find something that can measure up to this. His love is so ideal. From my own point of view, I could never ask for more but to be at his side 'till my last breath on earth. I know i still can live without him but it's here now and my only choice is to stay where I am. Not because it's what fate nor pride dictates. It's because it's what my heart and soul is crying for.
If time comes that I will just end up hurting, I don't even know what to think anymore. I dedicated my life to this person and although I am flawed, I know I am the one deserving of him. I know I wouldn't want end my life if even that happens, I am just worried how I am going to recover from a very serious heartache. Something, I put more than my life into is not very easy for me to get away from.
He always tells me there is a reward for us. But not all lovers get their rewards... Some great love stories are full of pain and tears. Full of sacrifice and bitter end. I don't want my life to be as tragic as those stories were. Nobody else could ever want that.
There are times I want to cry... I want to be alone... But being alone doesn't solve it. It only makes it more difficult for me. Many times I am tempted to do something but God is good to help me get my way out of it.

Friday, February 29, 2008

4 Star to a Mini 6 Star Paradise

Mami Gina called yesterday while I was watching a DVD. She’s got some news for me. She said Ms. Frances of Discovery Shores called her and did some background check. Also, she mentioned that the last man who interviewed me at Richmonde Hotel will be working in Discovery Shores as well, it Ceazar. Then, the front office manager of Richmonde will now work in Discovery Shores too, which is Chris Guballa! What a coincidence? That means these two guys are going to be my superiors! From this stand point, I can never figure out if that is a good thing or not. Yet, Mami Gina assured me that these guys are nice and great.

I don’t know. One thing that I know is that Ceazar gave me a ‘No’ when I applied at Richmonde just because I didn’t come from a Hotel nor did I have any hotelier work experience. Simply put it, he judged me even before he met me. I just pray that everything goes as how God want it. I trust Him.

Ridding an Iron Pig

I wasn’t able to go to work today. I just don’t feel like going anymore. I better not say this or Discovery Shores might think of it negatively and reconsider if they should really hire me. I’m sure Kristine will be furious on me. She cooked dinner and something that we can pack for lunch in the office but I didn’t go. It will now all go to waste. I better be prepared for whatever she is going to say later... uh-oh!

While slumbering, my Uncle Peche’s call woke me up. He asked me if I really want to go to Spain. He said he met a guy who can make arrangement and assess my papers. I wouldn’t have to wait long because we will pay that man and he will take care of what needs to be signed. He will be the one to look for a company that will sign my papers so I can get there. Euro 3000 is what he is asking as payment for his service. That is around Php 260, 000... I wonder where I am going to get that. My uncle said he is initially just asking for half then I can just pay the other half when I am already in Spain. He said he will help in putting up the Euro 1500. He wants me to send him my documents and papers thru his email. I told my uncle I am going to work now in Boracay in a 6-star hotel. Maybe my experience there would be enough for him to bring me to Spain in the future. But he is so excited with the idea of him getting that help from that man since it will not take long. I will just have to wait until April.

I probably will decline my Uncle’s offer for now. Once I sign the contract at Discovery Shores, I will be under a bond of Php 30, 000.00 for 18 months. I can’t just leave. If I won’t accept the job in Boracay and will just wait for my Uncle’s help, I can’t also do that. I can’t just wait neither. Besides, when he said that he will “help” in putting up half of the amount the man is asking, that simply mean we have to put up quite an amount too! What will we do? Use the money my parents had saved so I can leave and then what? There is still no certainty on what I will do there or how much money I can earn. There is also a balance I still need to pay that man whose offering “help”. I don’t know how to consider a man asking for your two month’s salary is just helping you. But let’s not go there. I dont’ want to gamble the money my parents had saved and be in Spain endlessly worrying on how they are earning for their food. My brother is now graduating from college and it won’t be long he will also have a job. Maybe it will be better if he can be the one to go to Spain once he earn his title. Maybe it will be a greater opportunity and a better move. I am after the welfare of my parents and I am sure two years here in the country won’t be so long to gain enough experience and be more competitive if I need to secure myself a better position in the hospitality industry.

I remember I asked my uncle, “How far is Italy from Spain?”. He said you can take a bullet train and be there in a few hours. Baby, as much as I want to see you... That will have to wait. You are more precious than my life but like my family is as important to me as you are.

A Dream of my Brother and a Friend

Maybe I am sad that I am leaving. No matter how excited I am to start my voyage there is still a part of me that wants to stay. It wants to stay with those that I love and care the most. I am not afraid of change. I sometimes am furious but never afraid. This morning I woke up from a very strange dream.

In my dream, I saw my brother... Jayson. He heads off to a duel with a 40 year old man. A stranger. The man has this suspicious aura all around him. He is neither into a duel of guns nor fists but instead a playing cards. My brother is off to a gamble. I asked him, “Are you sure you want to do this?” I couldn't remember if it was “want” or “can” that I asked him for both are non-sense question. I know my brother well. Even if you say No if that is what he want, he will do it. Nothing can stop him. About the question “can”, well there is a simple answer to that: My brothers intellect is far more than the 3 folds of mine. Until now he never fails to amuse me or my parents of his knowledge and wisdom. So off he go and sat under the shade of the small sampaloc tree in front of our former house. The stranger followed and sat there too. Needless to say, he won and beat that old man. Next thing, I saw myself and Jayson riding an empty cart pulled by a horse. The horse was running fast and the cart is swaying from one side of the road to the other. It was a dirt road with lots of stones and pebbles situated in the middle of an inhabited forest. The man running the horse was a friend of mine. Indeed, my “straight” best friend. (He is the only straight guy who I call my best friend.) Towards where we are going, I can see village people waiting. It don’t look like they are new to me. It seems that we or I have been there a few times before. As we arrived, I found out that the place we went to is an academy. People go there to study. The next thing I know is that there was a small table in the middle of the quadrangular field. The school building is built enclosing the quadrangular field. I and Marion are eating on the small wooden table which I believe the size is good for a maximum of six people. There was a woman eating together with us who seems to own the whole place. She is wearing a ragged long dress and occupying one side of the table with her leg raised on her seat. We seems to be her guest. Jayson on the other hand might have already gone to his class.

I don’t know if the dream mean anything at all. But two things are certain. I miss my friend Marion and I will miss my brother so much once I leave to that island.

Words of Encouragement

Today a friend called. It has been a while since we’ve seen each other. She was still in the office when I first met my baby. She used to be one of those people who would always ridicule on me for what I am doing. “How can you fall in love to someone whom you haven’t seen in flesh?” or perhaps, “What is the use of us being here, you are always on the phone... don’t waste your time to someone you still haven’t met!”; those were some of the not-so-good statements I hear from my own friends. Those were actually moderate, I still am not mentioning what I get from my other “so-called” friends. Anyway, so my friend phoned me yesterday. She asked about how I am. I kind of mention to her that I will be leaving soon to work in Boracay. She was surprised and sad thinking that it will even become more difficult for us to see each other. Finally, she asked about how my “love life” is going. I said it’s OK. She asked if it’s still the same one I was before she left the company. I told her yes. But things don’t come pretty easy lately. I told her it is almost two months now since he last messaged me. “Nuts! That simply means he’s gone. It’s no more you and him!”. I told her, “No! He made a promise.” “Promised what?!!”.. “That he’ll come back!”.. “NUTS!!!”

But I bear all that. I bear every word other people are saying, what hurts me more is when those words come from the lips of those who I care about. Some sometimes even makes me look like a moron, but I don’t give a fuck. Why? Because I trust you and I know you are there. You will always be there... I know it is also my fault. That is what you always tell me... but you are right. What is the reason why I still tell them about us when I know that those are the reactions I am to get? Maybe because they are my friends... and they deserve to know the truth.

Everyday, whenever I check my yahoo email, I am wishing that at least one of those messages came from you. I am hoping that there will a small sign that you are still thinking about me. But for the last 7 weeks, I failed to get any message from you. You are not even logging in to your account in Friendster. This then even is making me so worried about you. I am praying to the Mighty God above to always take care of you and keep you from harm. Is love truly a gift? Some people even say it’s a curse. But to me, I am just thankful I came across you and found out what it feels like to love and be loved. God knows how much I want to share the remaining breath I have with you. But if you have other plans now and you would like to start a new, please get back to me so we can close this chapter of our lives that is still left unfinished. You know how much I love you and I can give you my life if you just ask me to.

I hope someday you will be able to read these words. Inspired by no other than you. I hope the world will know that true love really exist; that it can also exist in the least expected way there is. I hope someday you will tell them our story.

Monday, February 25, 2008

The Countdown Begins

Today is the start of the two weeks notice I gave our HR before I leave the company. My mind is still wandering, I have lots of things going on inside my head. But above all, I am both happy and excited. I'm a little worried and scared but they stay in a distance to be considered a threat that might cloud my decisions.

There are lots of things I need to take care of right now. I need to close as much sales as I can while I am here. Hopefully, I can get my last commission here in the company; which won't come in 'till I get back pay (after two months). I need to finish doing my reports so that I am sure that everything is settled before I leave.

A few months ago, I was in the heights of my dreams. I was hoping to see my baby, waiting for me outside the building, leaning on his car. A smile he reserved just for me. It's making me smile whenever I imagine 'what if I hug him in front of the crowd'. What reactions am I gonna get from those people? Haha! I don't give a damn. All I know is that I'll be the happiest man when that time comes... Will that ever come? Now it hurts me a lot to even think about it. It's more like a distant dream. Whenever I am in front of the building, I am still hoping to see him there, with his promise. Still I am not giving up my hopes. But in the next two weeks I will have to leave this place and even if I want to stay in front of this building, even if the hopes are still taller than than this structure, I will have to leave... It might not come true at all... maybe only in my dreams...

Sunday, February 24, 2008

To The Place Where the Sun Sets

As early as now, I can already feel the arid wind,  hear the waves crashing at the shores, and feel the hot rays of the sun.  It will still take two weeks before I finally take the big turn of my life.  I've always dreamed of this.  I am very thankful to God for giving me this opportunity.  

A few weeks ago, I feel like a little fishing boat drifting in the middle of the ocean on a dark cold night, no visible star in the sky, no direction to go, no signs of any help nearby,  no idea of where I am...  Should I start paddling?  Should I stay right where I am?  Will this take me ashore? Will this only take me farther to a place of no return?

It's been almost 2 months now since I last hear from you... my love.  I trust you will all my heart and I know it is still me that you love.  My only prayer is that God is always keeping you safe.  I am yours, all yours.  They say every day, our heart beats around 100,000 times... do you know why my heart is still beating? It's because of the promise you gave me...  In every second, every thought that comes out of my mind is about you.  I never grow tired of thinking about you.  My soul is crying, begging for you... Please let me know you are okay.  I'm here patiently waiting for your return.

For now, I want you to know that I too is keeping my promise to you.  You have taught me how to be strong and how to hold on to what I believe is right.  Nobody can ever replace you, no one can ever fill that space for you in my heart, no one else... but you.  Meet me in Boracay when you come home.  I miss you and I want to spend each day of my life with you.  This opportunity has given me a spark of hope.  I will work hard.  I will do my best to earn money not only to support my family but to go there as well.  If you won't come back, I will find you.  My love for you will never stop.  It is true that love can last forever...